I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
