capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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