How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
