This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
