the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
