i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
