I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
