i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
