if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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