If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
