Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
