that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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