you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
