Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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