Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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