my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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