Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
