my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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