just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
