pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Still dying that you shit outside
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
