happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.