he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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