I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
