I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
