Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
