ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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