Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
