I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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