Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
