I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
