Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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