it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
