When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He better not be in your backpack
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
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