There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
