apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
