She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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