I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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