Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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