i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
