I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
