HIV tests are more positive than that guy
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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