When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
