wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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