I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
