dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
