just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
