Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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