i don't plan on having that self control this summer
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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