my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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