You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
