I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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