$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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