you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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