He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
