I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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